me tired

RAWR !!!!!! i am so tired tonight and i really dont feel like doing much of anything >< and that includes  proper grammer and spelling.  So, you will have to suffer my wrath of even worse then normal crappy wanna be rants on bullshit.

so its soon to be another weekend and im glad as hell for it too .. its been a hell of a week!  lately ive been trying to be half way better at my job and help who the only e5 in my platoon thats here.(we got 2other ncos at school )I know it may not be much but ive been trying to take care of this one guy and he tends to be very timid and always be needing reassurance and crap. So in turn by helping out with him i hope it helps alittle bit with taking him off my nco. but hes on extra duty and freaking out over everything. like he got a call for a appt reminder and forgot/didnt know about it for that day and freaked out at me that hes makeing him self a 'thorn in the side" of our 3 ncos (a e5,6 and 7) in our plt for all his appts he has. But really hes makeing himself more of a pain to them by freaking out over everything . i told him the thing for him to do is to get him self better(hes been seeing mental health) and get better at running so he can pass his pt test. I also told him that i also see mental health and i know its a continueing effort to make one's self better in that area . hell im still trying to make my self better and im still haveing major problems after over a year of seeing someone. though my problem may lay in the fact that i forget to take my meds in the morning and at lunch sometimes



anyways thats my rant on my random bs its time for bed
btw talking to one of my old ncos tonight was good  it cheered me up though took away from me writing something longer here
AeonScout

short and sweet

rooster teeth is awesome as aways  dont got more to say tonight ^^

off line post XD

 (totaly post dated this)       

       Well, I’m writing this off line right now and ill post it later I wish I had Internet but I guess I’m just too cheap to get it or too lazy to get my own. My roommate is the same as me though I think he will give in before me lol so I will probably just end up splitting it with him (: p) he said maybe sometime in February if it does happen I’ll be posting more often .till then for any of you if anybody reads what I right here you just got to wait.

So this past weekend was MLK weekend I partied a bit I at a house my buddy took me to (it was his friend’s place) it was rather awkward at points of the night. I had this chick the idk it just felt like she was all over me. She kissed me at one point of the night (I wasn’t expecting it rather got me by surprise) as much as I wanted too; l I didn’t get with her. She was cute really cute I don’t know why she was over me I know I’m nothing really to look at I know I’m in the army but still I have a bit extra on me.

Now that’s it’s been a little bit since I last posted it’s given me time to think on things. I think I mentioned that when I went in to the therapist, she said that I have problems with binge eating it made me think on if I’m just being dramatic with everything idk I just don’t want to make it seem like my life is so hard cause I mean yea parts about it are hard as help but other parts are way easier then others (well maybe) it could just be my pride making me say all that but yea. Even though I never want to admit to it I know I need help at times or rather a lot of times. Its part of the reason I got the tattoo on my left shoulder. (It says “pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall”

I really don’t know what to think anymore with the relationship I am in. I guess it’s just a mix of distance and not seeing each other that’s bothering me. It just doesn’t feel like it’s really there let alone more and more I think she needs to grow up a little … she’s just not being as responsible as I would like her to be maybe  I am asking too much of her. I haven’t talked to her in a while so I don’t know how she is feeling on things .I don’t think it’s too far  out there to say that she probably thinks everything is hunky dory and perfect. But yea more and more I’m getting 2^nd thoughts and I know shed freak if I told her that. Things are just growing apart. I’m starting to get used to not depending and not be so needing and attached on a person(i.e. on a girlfriend) I know I used to be really needy and I believe it was all a mix of hope I was raised and the 1^st major relationship I was in.

Whatever made me that way at least I’m not as much that way anymore, though if life goes on as it has been ill most likely incidentally push most everyone that I truly care about out of my life. Part of me wants to so I can’t hurt them cause I’m rather not that nice of person. If I really wanted too I could make just about anyone 2^nd guess their self. I've make all my ex-girlfriends cry when (and after) I was dating them and made them have mental break down. I guess it’s something I can do just after a little while of knowing a person a lot of times I can tell where a person’s self-image lies and if I really wanted too I could hit them hard with it. Maybe it’s from growing up with my father and him always yelling at my mother, sister and myself all the time; or it could be how I have a tendency to watch people and what they say, how they say it, what they don’t say, how they act and what they are wearing. I can analyze all that fairly quickly and figure out their personality and what they are self-conscience about. I am not always spot on but I am usually pretty close. Girls/women are easier then guys but I can still work them out {on a side note 2 things that really tells someone about their self is how they have their hair and what kind of shoes they wear)

AeonScout

Well I’m taking my meds and going to bed later

(Jan 18 9pm)

oh i has internet now <3

yey for my med issues

so its been about two weeks since i last posted ...well really a week and a half . i really hate not being able to get anymore often. but since i don't have internet in my room in TX right now its rather hard to post when i want to .. so when my buddy in the room next to me said he was going out and i could use his computer and stuff .. i was in there before he even finished talking


        anyways, Ive been thinking bout alot of things since Ive been back in Texas; just with the future and what i want . Part of the reason i have been thinking on these things is that Ive been going to a mix of doctor appointments , both for my legs and for mental health.

          With my legs basically i have multiple fascial hernias on my outer portion of both my calf's.. i haven't been able to run for 3 months now because of it .. the physical therapist is talking about possible having me go on a permanent profile(basically its army papers that say I'm not supposed to run and when i do the APFT( army physical fitness test) i get to do a variation on running IE walking or biking and i think swimming is one other the options too....So i went to see the Otho clinic to see what they thought of it and see what they also thought on if i should have surgery or not.. basically as long as it doesn't get worse or larger i shouldn't have the surgery mostly because it raises the likeliness of compartment syndrome which may be an underlying factor anyways already . therefore with the army downsizing its just another thing that will hinder re-enlistment (if i decide i want to ) besides from being flagged for over weight

 

 

                      Like i said before i also have been going to mental heath for the problems i have .. i am now seeing 3 different doctors :a therapist/ councilor works with social services , a psychologist who proscribes me meds ,and a 2 therapist/councilor. the reason for the 2nd councilor therapist is that shes doing what is referred to as bio-feed back basically it takes readings from your body and graphs them .. blood pressure ,pulse ,how much your hands sweat the temp of your hands(in course tells you how your circulation is) and also puts probes on a muscle group so see how tense you get there .. Ive been there only once so far and just had the initial test readings done and it was found that i have a very very high adrenaline that is constantly released and that it is evident that i have dealt with this probably for a long time ( witch is shown by the steady normal heart rate i kept even though out the spikes in adrenaline .And what does that mean ? well basically the chemical imbalance of the abnormally high adrenaline contributes to my bad anxiety and for the fact that i don't get to sleep well and that i can stay up for hours/days on end and not feel the effects as majorly as others do ... she said that shes rarely seen someone manage to keep their pules that steady with that much adrenaline. and it just goes to prove that i do have problems that need fixed in my life.

             anyways on a side note my friend A~~ the drama went up high and the guy she was looking at had his head in the clouds and between the two of them idk its seems to work out as just friends or what ever though others took it sort of crazy and may have gotten out of hand but i really don't know I've been gone out of the state back to Texas and i try to mostly stay out of it i think it turned out as best as it could considering the circumstances.... anyways A~~ has been staying with her dad in Kansas and she goes back to Wisconsin tomorrow so i hope that goes good for her .. i think shes getting home sick for her bird and Wisconsin and maybe alittle board of it there since she doesn't know too many people there but i know she likes being with her dad so least they have that time when he isn't working I'm glad she can do that {^-^}

                    well me and C~~ idk what will happen we really arnt talking anymore we were arguing a bit too the other day ... theres also stuff i want to tell her but i haven't had the heart to really say it (IE she needs to shape up and basically be more responsible . i don't think she really understand that life in some way will aways suck in one form or an other ... i just want her to really put her life on track to succeed i know i haven't done the best for my self at times but i just want to see her do well .. go to school and do school work and not skip classes and turn in paperwork on time(ie grants tuition aid and such ;help around her grandparents place where she still lives, take better care of all the pets she has manly her dog .. zoey needs to be taken out on a walk almost every day she is a puppy still and needs that exercise let alone C~~ could use it too idk where this will go... time will tell

                 Before i left WI i met M~ and shes turned out to be amazing lol she adopted a puppy from the local humane association and sounds like he is doing well ^^ A~~ M~~ and myself brought him back it was alot of fun that day anyways i hope she remains a friend and such though out the years .. she was really nice lol

                          so with the meds I'm one they seem to help i hope things only get better ... cause it was a rough Ive had a few sessions with the councilor that does social work now and well after so much talking and such she says i have a eating disorder ... i don't know what to make of it yet .. i mean yea i know i don't have good eating habits all the time but still ... don't know if i want to admit it ... its not like a major one like anorexia or bulimia but still (binge eating disorder http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/binge-eating-disorder/DS00608

well im taking my meds and kicking it in bed

AeonScout